Setting Boundaries with your Kids: How and Why

In a family system, there are three primary relationships:  The couple, the parent-child, and the sibling relationship.  Having appropriate and healthy boundaries within these relationships is imperative, especially when it comes to the parent-child relationship, and that can mean the difference between healthy development and problematic developmental experiences.  

Appropriate boundaries provide kids with structure and security and help to teach about cause and effect and that actions have consequences.  They are needed because kids of all ages test the limits of their environment.  This limit testing or “acting out” is normal and varies from the “NOs!” of the “terrible twos” to the brooding of the teenage years.  Regardless of age, kids test the limits to gain a sense of control of their environment and see what they can and can’t do.  Additionally, limit testing allows kids to see how their family, especially their parents, will respond.  Learning cause, effect and consequences within the family unit helps prepare children for school, extracurricular activities, and most importantly, their other social relationships.  

When it comes to the parent-child relationship, appropriate and healthy boundaries should be firm yet flexible and the rules should change to meet the developmental needs of the child..  Boundaries should allow for change in order for the adult to encourage appropriate levels of independence and growth.  In addition, setting clear boundaries and rules within the relationship, from the very beginning, can help parents effectively negotiate time, friendships, and good communication.

How parents respond to limit testing is important. Parents should provide reasonable rules and consequences in order to establish clear and appropriate boundaries.

The following can help in establishing boundaries with kids:

• Be consistent

• Consequences should happen in a timely fashion

• Consequences should be situation appropriate 

• Connect consequences to actions when appropriate

• Only promise what you can/will deliver

• Follow through.  If you say it will happen make it happen.  

• Work with your partner to show a united front

Boundaries and rules are important for children and for teens. However parenting can be difficult and leave one feeling like the “bad guy” or unsure of how best to proceed.  Alack of boundaries can lead to difficulty for the family and uncertainty for the child.  Deciding on appropriate boundaries is a difficult task and often difficult to implement, especially for those relationships that have existed without appropriate boundaries in the past.  At Equilibria Psychological and Consultation Services, we have experienced therapists that work with children/teens and their families and can aid in creating appropriate boundaries that lead to stronger relationships within the family unit. Please do not hesitate to contact us at 267-861-3685. Option 1 for more information about how we can help.